Dead Fic Funerary Service
by Exodite
Summary: The Dead Fic Funerary Service provides almost decent conclusions to dead fics everywhere. I, Exodite, will accept requests. Found a dead fic? Send it to me, Exodite, and I, Exodite, will maybe give it a decent burial.
1. Chapter 1

[The format for the introductions is going to show the fic name, followed by the URL, followed by the writer, followed by context.]

Today, we are gathered here to hold a mass burial for all the dead fics out there. As such, I, Exodite, shall attempt to give them a good ending, or at least, and ending that doesn't suck, for I, Exodite, am bothered by incompleteness.

Our first story, one that really stuck out for me, is Shinji Theater, 3268590, by gunman. Where it left off in 2008 is where Commander Ikari ordered Shinji out, but he could not be retrieved from the robot. I think a cross-dressing Gendo was in the works as well. Without further ado...

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The screen flickered to life yet again. This time, it was more sepia-toned, and what sounded like a Charleston tune was playing softly in the background. The attending audience got ready for another Shinji Cinematic Experience (TM). As the screen panned out, it showed Shinji wearing what looked like the most uncomfortable tuxedo in the world standing next to a Southern belle-esque Rei. As the screen panned out yet again, it showed the band, with Pen Pen the lead trumpeter. Another pan-out revealed...

((Is that...)), Real-world Ritsuko gasped.

((It must be)), Real-world Makoto continued.

It was... Gendo, wearing what appeared to be a trenchcoat. Suddenly, he took off his trenchcoat to reveal lingerie. As the room's occupants fled in terror, Gendo charged at Shinji, shouting "I loved you and you do this to me? I'll show you what happens to those who betray my love!"

((I don't even)) Real-world Misato commented.

Gendo had picked up his trenchcoat to reveal a shotgun.

((How did that fit?)) Asuka queried.

((Don't ask)), Shigeru responded from the floor.

Gendo shot once, and Rei fell to the floor.

((Yeah, this is fiction all right)) Maya snarked.

Gendo was now charging after a fleeing Shinji. As he nearly caught up with Shinji, he slipped and his shotgun fired directly at Shinji's back. As Movie!Shinji fell to the floor, the screen faded to black.

((Did Ikari-kun just... die?)) Rei spoke up for the first time. At that exact moment, Ritsuko got up and saw the moniter. "Shinji's waking up," she shouted suddenly. Everyone went to the Eva cages to pick him up.

And they all lived happily ever after...  
At least, until Asuka got to him.

Fin.

[I, Exodite, decided to help gunman out a bit. It's nowhere near as cool as what he did, but his fic's dead and can't defend itself, so I, Exodite, decided to step in.]


	2. The gunman Mausoleum

[You didn't ask for it, but it appeared anyway. Whatever. I'll just pimp this on TvTropes or something.]

Having read a bunch of other gunman masterpieces brutally cut short immediately before they got really, I decided to make this chapter the _gunman Mausoleum_. For reference, his author page is u (slash) 544647, no spaces after . The guy's still writing, and he's the king of the trolls. "How is he the king of the trolls?", you may ask. He writes a _really_ good setup, does a chapter, or two, or three, then never writes for it again.

This being a mass burial, we'll have to do this quick.

For literally 90% of the fics that died on this guy's table, this is the actual story that I'm going to give you:

**And then Shinji got laid, somehow didn't be a whiny bitch throughout, and lived happily ever after.**

**The end.**

No really.


	3. My Immortal finally knows peace

ABRA KADABRA!1111 I shooted.

[Okay, let's give this one of my patented Lovecraftian happy endings.]

Time stopped. It was then that I realized that I was making a complete ass out of myself. What had I done? As I felt those revelations wash over me, I realized that it had all been in my head this whole time.

"Cho... Cho, are you all right?"

"I'm fine."

"Well shake yourself awake before Snap docs u pointz fur being a goff."

"Wait, what?" I qestioned.

"If you dondderheds are done making your... Chang! You fool! What have you done?"

Snap began. Suddenly, Lumpkin bust in!

"Snake, I has found da surce of da disturbence! Vloxemort's agnts hav sabtged da potinz supplies! Nd dey didnt tel us."

I then pasd out.

I woke up in the hospital wing surrounded by my friends, with Madam Pomfrey (bless her heard) nearby.

"Some Death Eaters somehow got through the wards. Luckily, they were quickly expunged. So what was your weird dream?"

"Weird dream?"

Hermione spoke up.

"Yeah, the most common side effect was strange dreams. Mine was about Harry and Dobby fighting demonic astronauts and killing everything for no reason at all."

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Oh come on, you can tell us."

"Okay. It started with everything being all emo and stuff for no adequately explained reason..."

[But who actually messed with the Potions? A Deff Deeler spah? Gred and Forge? Both in completely unrelated plots that tripped the other up? A sudden perfect justification for literally any fanfic taking place due to a Potions accident and being completely in someone's head? Ciaphas Cain finally coming to a decision between being 40k's answer to Blackadder/Flashman or an actual hero (OF THE IMPERIUM!) will take place at roughly the same time as the truth behind that comes out.]

[Writing badly is actually painful for me. Also, in my headcanon, Ebony is Cho. The long black hair sells it.]


	4. Sorry guy who PM'd me, I'm lazy

[This week's story was sent in by request. This one's a Power Rangers fic called Secrets revealed. 2889743, if you want to read it. Now, I know absolutely nothing about it except the fact that one of the "heroes" of _Non-Stop to Comic-Con_ had a pinup of the pink one (I was an extra back when they were filming - in 2013). Also, Goldar is getting a serious buff.]

Unfortunately for our heroes, and even worse for the villains, Goldar was very much alive.

"You fools didn't honestly believe a bit of staff-discharge would be able to harm me? No matter. Let's get serious."

The world began to tremble as he advanced on Zedd, who was discharging blast after blast at him, to no avail.

Finally, Goldar made it to the poor sap, lifted him above his head, and threw him at the Power Rangers, who had been there standing in shock or something while this had been happening.

Then, the blast of power re-directed directly at the Mystic forces. Fortunately, they were able to deflect the assault... right up until the force of Zedd's flailing slammed into them.

The universe folded into itself somehow, but a faint something could be heard...

"Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside-down, and I'd like to take a minute; just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air."


End file.
